letters to my lost son

My son, my baby, my mini poppet, my lost child...

It's been almost a month now and I miss you.

I wanted to feel you move more than I did. I wanted to see you move my belly. I wanted to talk to you knowing you could hear me from inside. I wanted to feel your reactions to your daddy's hand and voice more than that one time when he put his hand on my belly and you wriggled, it was wonderful. I wanted to get fatter and complain about my back. I wanted to feel impatient to meet you.

I wanted your birth to be happy and healthy not filled with pain and sadness. I wanted to feel the pain of real, happy labour and give birth to you not too soon but at just the right time. I wanted to see your eyes open and hear your cry. I wanted the time to find out which bits you got from me and which from your daddy. I wanted to breastfeed you and feel that bond. I wanted to take you home. I wanted the sleepless nights. I wanted to stare at the miracle of you made with love.

I wanted to see you discover the world and smile when it made sense. I wanted to show you so many things. I wanted us to discover the leaves on the trees and the boats on the sea as a family. I wanted to play with you for hours and forget the housework. I wanted to giggle and be silly with you. I wanted to proudly push you in your buggy. "This is my son George, isn't he the most handsome?" I wanted to hear you say "daddy" and "mummy" for the first time. I wanted to give you so many cuddles and hugs and kisses. I wanted to get to know you, to see your personality develop and assert itself. I wanted to help you be as you as you could be.

I wanted to let you run wild because sometimes it's good to feel wild and free. I wanted to encourage your mischievous nature. You would have had one: mummy and daddy do. I wanted to try to answer your endless questions. I wanted to protect you from the horrors of this world. I wanted you to feel safe.

I wanted to worry about you as you started school. I wanted you to enjoy learning. I wanted you to feel you could do anything. I wanted you to be able to find your way in life. I wanted you to have adventures.

I wanted to teach you about love and respect and kindness so that when you bought your first girlfriend home we would know you were behaving like a gentleman, just like your father. I wanted to meet your first girlfriend... and your second... I wanted to cry when you got married and cry when I saw my first grandchild for the first time.

But whatever path you decided on in your life I wanted to support you.

I wanted to grow old knowing I had done the best I could for you.

I will always love you.
I will always miss you.
I will never forget you.