It has been since we lost our son.

Thursday, 20 October 2011

We think about you every day and we miss you dearly.

Your little body lies decaying in the damp earth in a cardboard box that I soaked with tears but you are not there, little boy, you are not there.

You are in every breath that I take, in every laugh and sigh that  leaves my lips, every thought that crosses my mind, every thump of blood  through my heart, every kiss and hug I give and receive.  I breathe you  in and out of my lungs each day. Every moment of love is filled to the  brim with you.

You are everywhere I go, everywhere I have been and everywhere I will go. You are in the wind and the sea, in the rain, the earth and the clouds, in the trees, the grass and the flowers. You are in everything I touch, smell and taste. You are in the feathers that I find and take home to put in your box and in the silver I wear around my neck and wrist.

In the last three years I have cried for you, longed for you and I have shouted and stamped my feet at the universe with impotent fury on your behalf. I no more accept your death today than I did the moment we knew you had died. I will always rail at the universe for it's wrongness. It is still wrong. It still shouldn't have happened. You should be here. 

My dear little boy, you should be two years and seven months old and this day should mean nothing more than, oh it's only five days until your Granddad's birthday let's go and find a present for him. Today should be an ordinary day.

Today isn't a celebration of your birth and in this house there are no happy birthdays, cards on the mantel or presents to be unwrapped. Today is the day we go on an adventure in your name and celebrate the love that made you, keeps us together and holds us to hope.

Today we are going to catch the sunrise for you.

We wish you could share in our adventures, they would be so much more with you two singing, laughing and dropping crumbs in the back seat of our battered old car. For as long as we live we will always be sad that you are missing from  your life. We fill our life up with love as best we can but there will  always be George and Little Poppet shaped gaps that can never be filled.

My dear son,

Beloved son, be love, be light, be free. Scatter you atoms around the universe, zoom along on the tails of comets, swing from stars, whoosh along the rainbows with Little Poppet and maybe think of us from time to time.

Every day I say your name out loud and every night I whisper a bedtime story to myself,

"Once upon a wonder time,  through the clouds in a parallel universe far far away on the other side  of the rainbow, there lived a little boy. There lived a little boy. A little boy who lived..."

I kiss you goodnight in my mind.

I love you George.

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

We are getting married next year (finally!) and we wish you and Little P could be there.
We wish it very very much.
It won't be the same without you.
Bring us some sunshine my darlings.

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

I miss you so much today.
And every single day.

Monday, 7 March 2011

I wish so hard that you were still here. 
I miss the life we should have been living with you.
I wish I could see you.
I wish I could ask you for strength.
I wish I could hold you.
I wish I could ask you for a miracle.
I wish I could soothe your tears.
I wish you could visit from far away.
I wish I could hear your laughter.
I wish you could slip back inside my belly.
I wish I could watch you with your Daddy.
I wish everything was different.

Saturday, 29 January 2011

Are you with Little Poppet?
I wish you were gazing in curious awe at your brand new little sister or brother.
I miss you both.