letters to my lost son

2011-10-20T11:05:00.004+01:00

We think about you every day and we miss you dearly.

Your little body lies decaying in the damp earth in a cardboard box that I soaked with tears but you are not there, little boy, you are not there.

You are in every breath that I take, in every laugh and sigh that leaves my lips, every thought that crosses my mind, every thump of blood through my heart, every kiss and hug I give and receive. I breathe you in and out of my lungs each day. Every moment of love is filled to the brim with you.

You are everywhere I go, everywhere I have been and everywhere I will go. You are in the wind and the sea, in the rain, the earth and the clouds, in the trees, the grass and the flowers. You are in everything I touch, smell and taste. You are in the feathers that I find and take home to put in your box and in the silver I wear around my neck and wrist.

In the last three years I have cried for you, longed for you and I have shouted and stamped my feet at the universe with impotent fury on your behalf. I no more accept your death today than I did the moment we knew you had died. I will always rail at the universe for it's wrongness. It is still wrong. It still shouldn't have happened. You should be here.

My dear little boy, you should be two years and seven months old and this day should mean nothing more than, oh it's only five days until your Granddad's birthday let's go and find a present for him. Today should be an ordinary day.

Today isn't a celebration of your birth and in this house there are no happy birthdays, cards on the mantel or presents to be unwrapped. Today is the day we go on an adventure in your name and celebrate the love that made you, keeps us together and holds us to hope.

Today we are going to catch the sunrise for you.

We wish you could share in our adventures, they would be so much more with you two singing, laughing and dropping crumbs in the back seat of our battered old car. For as long as we live we will always be sad that you are missing from your life. We fill our life up with love as best we can but there will always be George and Little Poppet shaped gaps that can never be filled.

My dear son,

Beloved son, be love, be light, be free. Scatter you atoms around the universe, zoom along on the tails of comets, swing from stars, whoosh along the rainbows with Little Poppet and maybe think of us from time to time.

Every day I say your name out loud and every night I whisper a bedtime story to myself,

"Once upon a wonder time, through the clouds in a parallel universe far far away on the other side of the rainbow, there lived a little boy. There lived a little boy. A little boy who lived..."

I kiss you goodnight in my mind.

I love you George.

2011-09-06T20:30:00.000+01:00

We are getting married next year (finally!) and we wish you and Little P could be there. We wish it very very much. It won't be the same without you. Bring us some sunshine my darlings.

2011-06-22T19:30:00.000+01:00

I miss you so much today. And every single day.

2011-03-07T11:21:00.000Z

I wish so hard that you were still here.

I miss the life we should have been living with you.

I wish I could see you.

I wish I could ask you for strength.

I wish I could hold you.

I wish I could ask you for a miracle.

I wish I could soothe your tears.

I wish you could visit from far away.

I wish I could hear your laughter.

I wish you could slip back inside my belly.

I wish I could watch you with your Daddy.

I wish everything was different.

2011-01-29T22:02:00.000Z

Are you with Little Poppet? I wish you were gazing in curious awe at your brand new little sister or brother. I miss you both.

2011-01-14T17:11:00.000Z

Sweet boy.

I wish

I hope

I miss the boy you would have been.

Can you send some strength our way?

Can you send some stardust?

Can you feel the love I send?

2011-01-02T18:01:00.000Z

I miss your life.

2010-12-17T23:43:00.000Z

Oh George.It's so unfair.Why.

2010-10-20T11:05:00.021+01:00

You have been gone for 730 days now George and we miss you today as much as we missed you yesterdayas much as we will miss you tomorrowand forever after.
We miss your warm noisy chaotic life filling our home. We miss you, our darling son.The boy that we made with love. All that we have left of you now isLove

2010-09-14T18:25:00.000+01:00

Darling George,I'm sorry, it's been a while.You know I think of you all the time don't you?You hear my heart don't you? I hope you and Little P are together somehow.Of course you are.You are made of the same stuff as the universe. My star babies.I love you.

2010-06-16T19:37:00.000+01:00

So very very much.

2010-05-24T20:24:00.000+01:00

How I wish you were with us.
To share in a new spark.

2010-04-10T22:29:00.000+01:00

I thought of you a lot today.We brought the sweetest smelling honeysuckleand I imagined your little hands covered in dirtjust like mine.

2010-04-02T11:54:00.000+01:00

Oh George, I woke thinking of you...

2010-03-31T15:09:00.000+01:00

I want you back.I want the biggest most impossible miracle.I want it all to be the dream of a nightmare.I want your soft warm body in my arms.I want you back.I want to be your Mummy.

2010-03-29T21:13:00.000+01:00

There are days when I feel a strange sort of peace without you and there are days when I feel your absence so profoundly that it takes my breath.

2010-03-06T11:05:00.001Z

2010-02-19T20:01:00.001Z

Thank you little pops

2010-02-06T23:28:00.000Z

2010-02-06T22:33:00.001Z

I miss you so much little boy.

You should be here with us.

You should be almost a year old.

Instead you've been gone for almost 16 months.

I miss you SO much little boy.

I miss the life you should have been leading.

I miss the fun you should have been having.

I miss the memories that we should have been making.

I miss you so much little boy.

I miss you so much my son.

I miss you so much my sweet George.

2009-12-26T20:17:00.001Z

We thought about you.

What could have been.

What should be.

What we have lost.

2009-12-16T22:04:00.001Z

I miss you my son.

We should have been getting ready for your first Christmas, not missing you for a second year.

Keep sending the rainbows little boy, we'll catch one of them.

2009-11-13T23:40:00.002Z

You would have been nine months old if we had journeyed together to your due date.
Nine months!
My big boy.
Would you have been a chubby like me or long and lean like daddy?
Or maybe a lovely mix of just right?

Life would have been so different.
I wouldn't be writing letters to you.
We would be talking about everything. I might not have understood but I know you would have lots to say.
I wouldn't have been searching out scraps of remembrances to keep in a box.
I would have been filling a hard drive with photos, the walls with hand prints and the charity shops with your grown-out-of clothes.
I wouldn't be carefully placing in my memory box those crocheted booties made by your great grandmother for the great grandchildren she wouldn't meet but imagined having.
Have you met her? Nanny Boucher? Have you met Nanny and Granddad Rose? Are you all together?

No. Perhaps I think you and they are everywhere.
In the air that I breathe.
In the water that I drink.
In the earth that I walk upon.
Stardust.

I miss you George.

There is a well of love just waiting.

2009-10-20T11:05:00.004+01:00

2009-10-13T22:25:00.002+01:00

I miss you.

2009-09-14T21:32:00.002+01:00

You would have loved Cornwall.

The sand was soft, and I could picture you squishing it between your fingers and trying to eat it.

"Oh Georgey is that yucky? Lets wipe that sandy mouth"

The water was warm(ish!) and I knew you would have wanted to paddle your feet.

"Oh look my jeans are all wet from your dripping feet and it looks like I've peed myself!"

You would have slept a lot in the car as we drove so much but you would have stayed awake in our guest house room all night just to show us.

"Darling, take a turn with him please..."

It would have been so very very wonderful.

2009-08-29T23:00:00.002+01:00

It's been 10 months little poppet, nearly a whole year. I can hardly believe it. 10 months without you. 10 months of wondering, "what if..." 10 months of crying for you. 10 months of missing the you that might have been. 10 months of wanting you so badly I thought I might die. 10 months of being broken without you. 10 months of love pouring out of me with no you to pour it into.

2009-08-11T10:20:00.002+01:00

Miss You ☆ Miss You ☆ Miss You ☆ Miss You

2009-07-21T21:43:00.000+01:00

Too long without you.
You feel too far away.
I want you back.

I love you.

2009-07-12T23:27:00.002+01:00

You were missing today.
Your Nanny took a big family photo and you should have been there.
Our lives should be different.
You should be alive.
We should be together.
We miss you.
I miss you.

2009-06-17T17:20:00.007+01:00

You were just coming into being this time last year.

A whole year.

You were being mixed from Daddy and Mummy.

Would you have been tall like Daddy?

Would you have had curly hair like Mummy?

I wish with all my heart that you were here for us to discover the unique and
most marvellous
George
that you would have become.

(Help us make our rainbow baby my sweet George)

2009-06-10T19:40:00.002+01:00

I saw a photo of you today little one.

You were living and moving safe inside my belly at that one tiny moment caught in time.

I thought you were safe.

I miss you.

2009-05-16T18:37:00.003+01:00

I ache for you little one.

2009-05-10T20:12:00.002+01:00

Sometimes I can hardly believe that you lived inside me for 5 months. Sometimes I can hardly believe that you are real. Sometimes you seem so far away little George, that I think I dreamt you.

I want you back little boy, I want you close.

2009-04-26T11:50:00.000+01:00

I miss you poppet.

You should be here with us.

2009-04-21T19:27:00.003+01:00

I'm thinking about you a lot today little poppet.

You would love to watch the kittens playing.

You would grab their tails and chew their fur.

I miss you George.

I miss you.

xxx

2009-04-13T19:53:00.002+01:00

The colour of my love.

2009-04-05T19:57:00.002+01:00

I think about you all the time.

All.

The.

Time.

You are present when I toast my bread, when I walk in town, when I stamp a name, when I hold your Daddy's hand.

I miss you George.

2009-03-24T21:57:00.001Z

"For a short time I had
Your body in my body;
I carried
your belly in my belly.

And now, though I have
your heart in my heart
and feel
your soul in my soul,

I will never again have
your hand in my hand.
I miss your life in my life."

2009-03-20T14:13:00.005Z

I'm thinking of you.
Every day.
Every hour.
Every minute.
You are always with me.

We want to share your love.
We want to make you a brother or sister.
We hope that's ok with you.

You will always be our first.

I miss you George.

2009-03-14T12:54:00.001Z

"You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars"

2009-03-05T11:05:00.001Z

You would have been born sometime this week my poppet. I would have been nervous and worried but so very very desperate to meet you.

Your Daddy would have felt exactly the same. We were so impatient to see what your unique mix of us would look like. We were looking forward to holding you and seeing your wide open newborn eyes looking at us for the first time and we're so very very sad that we only got to meet your lifeless tiny beautiful body.

Oh I just know you would have been such a handsome little boy and you would have been welcomed into our family with open arms and so much love.

We love you now and we will love you until we die.

We miss you.
We miss you.
We miss you.

2009-02-27T11:39:00.000Z

Was it you? Did you leave that pebble for me on the beach?

It made me laugh out loud to think that I might have found the one pebble meant for me on a beach full of millions of pebbles. Maybe I did.

It was a lovely moment.

I'm missing you so much little poppet, I wish you were here.

2009-02-21T12:05:00.000Z

Baby do you see?

I will never ever ever forget you.

And even though I'm so desperate to hold a living breathing baby brother of sister of yours, you will always have your own place stamped in my heart.

This new hoped for baby won't be a replacement. He or she will be loved as a new person, as a second child, as George's little brother or sister. Even though I will be looking for you in his or her face, I will love the two of you separately.

I would rather you were alive and getting ready to be born...

2009-02-14T12:33:00.006Z

I love you today, tomorrow, and every day after...

..forever.

2009-01-28T11:05:00.003Z

It has been 100 days since we lost you.

Sweet tiny perfect George.

We have travelled a long way in 100 days.

The blink of an eye.

We've found no short cuts as there are none to be found.
We've turned around and gone back a way,
Stopped in one place for a while and stared at the scenery,
Missed some turnings and got a bit lost,
Been bumped off the road and got back on it.

We're not entirely sure of our destination
and we know there's a long long way left to travel
but we're going there together, the long way.

With LOVE.
With HUMOUR
With HOPE

Today... and every day with LOVE.
Because in the end it's all that matters.

2009-01-13T21:06:00.001Z

I'm sorry I couldn't take you to work today. You wouldn't have liked it my little poppet. Nobody wanted to hear about you and I didn't want to share you with people like that. You are too too precious to me to waste words on uncaring people.

I'm home now and here you are, filling my heart with love.

Thank you for showing me how much love it is possible to cram into one heart.

I love you my son.

2009-01-01T12:33:00.002Z

There's a new year my sweet boy
2008 was your year.
Every year after should have been your year too.
Loving you
Always
Missing you
Forever

Holding your heart in mine when I should have been holding your hand with love.

2008-12-30T17:41:00.001Z

Our mini-poppet.

I look at your tiny perfect face every day and every day I miss you.

Your Daddy thinks of you too, he loved you and wanted you so much.

You would have loved having him for a Dad, he would have learned how to play with you and taught you so much. He would have learned how to be the Dad he didn't get and protected you from the world. He would have been proud of all of your achievements and bragged about his son. He would have made you laugh and giggle.

We would have started having the Christmases we remember from our childhoods. With a big tree and lots of little presents, fun, family and love. We didn't this year. This year we are too sad that you aren't inside my tummy.

You would have been a lucky boy.

And we would have been lucky parents.

We miss you George.

2008-12-20T21:53:00.001Z

Beautiful boy

I'm sorry we're not together as we should be, I'm sorry my body let you down and couldn't keep you alive. I'm so so sorry.

I miss you growing inside me.

I love you.

2008-11-18T12:15:00.002Z

My son, my baby, my mini poppet, my lost child...

It's been almost a month now and I miss you.

I wanted to feel you move more than I did. I wanted to see you move my belly. I wanted to talk to you knowing you could hear me from inside. I wanted to feel your reactions to your daddy's hand and voice more than that one time when he put his hand on my belly and you wriggled, it was wonderful. I wanted to get fatter and complain about my back. I wanted to feel impatient to meet you.

I wanted your birth to be happy and healthy not filled with pain and sadness. I wanted to feel the pain of real, happy labour and give birth to you not too soon but at just the right time. I wanted to see your eyes open and hear your cry. I wanted the time to find out which bits you got from me and which from your daddy. I wanted to breastfeed you and feel that bond. I wanted to take you home. I wanted the sleepless nights. I wanted to stare at the miracle of you made with love.

I wanted to see you discover the world and smile when it made sense. I wanted to show you so many things. I wanted us to discover the leaves on the trees and the boats on the sea as a family. I wanted to play with you for hours and forget the housework. I wanted to giggle and be silly with you. I wanted to proudly push you in your buggy. "This is my son George, isn't he the most handsome?" I wanted to hear you say "daddy" and "mummy" for the first time. I wanted to give you so many cuddles and hugs and kisses. I wanted to get to know you, to see your personality develop and assert itself. I wanted to help you be as you as you could be.

I wanted to let you run wild because sometimes it's good to feel wild and free. I wanted to encourage your mischievous nature. You would have had one: mummy and daddy do. I wanted to try to answer your endless questions. I wanted to protect you from the horrors of this world. I wanted you to feel safe.

I wanted to worry about you as you started school. I wanted you to enjoy learning. I wanted you to feel you could do anything. I wanted you to be able to find your way in life. I wanted you to have adventures.

I wanted to teach you about love and respect and kindness so that when you bought your first girlfriend home we would know you were behaving like a gentleman, just like your father. I wanted to meet your first girlfriend... and your second... I wanted to cry when you got married and cry when I saw my first grandchild for the first time.

But whatever path you decided on in your life I wanted to support you.

I wanted to grow old knowing I had done the best I could for you.

I will always love you.
I will always miss you.
I will never forget you.